Shadow with a soul

Most days I wake up as a shadow
Not necessarily a bad thing, I think
It’s like anonymity, but my soul remains
I talk, I laugh
I cry, I get mad
I do everything that anyone else can do
But when I look in the mirror
I don’t know who is looking back

- DK

How do you ask...

How do you ask someone why they cheated on you?

You’re left with these endless thoughts of what you could’ve done better or what you could’ve stopped doing. 

And when they say you did nothing wrong, it’s almost...worse. 

Because then you know you gave it your all to love someone, and so much more with these hopes to be loved back the way you loved them.  

And yet they still couldn’t have the capacity to love you back in the basic way that anyone should be loved. 

They didn’t see your worth. They didn’t see your efforts as worth it, so they tried to find that love in someone else. 

As you then start to devalue your worth and your efforts, you feel like you’ve wasted so much time on this earth trying to please someone who never loved you and ultimately already knew that they probably were never going to. 

To my forever love

Breathe

For a moment I felt the sun rays on my skin
Hairs stand up as I lie down and feel full
Yet a shadow lingers and my lungs are heavy
My words are submerged
Left jumbled. In disarray
I can’t decipher what hides behind this mess
So I am left muted, but my mind races on
Listing the good against the bad,
Desperate attempts to make the sun shine again
I do this until my lungs expand and feel lighter
The shadow becomes smaller
And when I regain my breath
I feel full once more

Weather Report

I walk in light rain,
Whose presence big enough to
cast a dark thundering cloud
To cover my rays of sun
Imitating my footsteps,
I walk on my toes now
For I am afraid she may catch my rhythm
And hear what I do on sunny days.
On days I no longer see grey,
I seek for my lost rays
But I’m afraid I’ve lost them once again

December 26, 2017 | 12 am

Being sad all the time sucks; it’s  not intentional, I promise
One moment I’m happy, next I’m in a state of emotional turmoil
The source remains unidentifiable
Until then I’ll pretend to be oblivious to my conscience reaching out to me

Don’t peek

An unfinished painting

It’s canvas is there

Hesitant brush strokes

The paint still wet

Fragile and defensive 

Cautious of my next move

Afraid to alter the image I have in mind

Alas the image has been created

It’s not ready yet

It’s jagged corners

Anxious of unwanted oils seeping in

Artist has pushed

Art feels pressured

Art pushes artist away

It’s not ready yet

Just a girl

I am insecure of my abilities of keeping you.
For life I have not gained control of just yet.
Guilt lives within me as I cannot give you all of me for the time being.
I'm scared that you will realize and want to go
I wouldn't blame you.
I'm keeping you from enjoying life.
I blame myself for keeping you unhappy.

a girl who is still growing,
a girl who hasn't lived,
a girl who isn't as motivated
a girl who is just twenty.

To my moon | December 21, 2016 | 4:32 am

Across oceans and seas

For love I seeked

And to you who strengthens me, 

You are the reason for my highest of peaks

My love, my heart, my stars

My eyes are for only you

Why look for happiness anywhere else

When you've been the reason I don't have to

For every time I cried

You gave me a millions reasons not to

For ever flower needs it's sun

For every planet must have it's moon

Pants On Fire

I have one rule, just one.
Don't lie to me.
That's all.
I can handle whatever else,
Just please, don't lie to me.

Wave

I've been quite content with my life at the moment. 

These first four days of 2016 have been good to me.

But it's currently 3:05 am, and my mood has changed dramatically...

It seems that a wave of sadness has just stricken over me.

I'm not aware of the reason, but my heart feels numb.

And i don't know how to fix it

please help.

Table For One

I've been pulled into unfamiliar territory

And I don't know how to react

Im not sure if I'm lost or if I'm exactly where I need to be

I'm scared, optimistic, hopeful for something that I might not attain

This uncertainty has become a heavy weight,

But maybe I should just let the world take care of it

It's always nice to get a little reminder that you're the least favorite. Actions speak louder than words, and these actions are pretty clear. 

On the bright side at least they're not spitting lies in my face

    -A not happy Dua

P.S. I'm having a serious craving for a cup of Ramen Noodles at 2:25 am. 

Do I think I'm crazy?

I believe that we all inhabit a bit of "crazy" in us. 

We all have this secret life that no one is allowed to see but ourselves. 

We might let a few in on the secret, but don't dare to show them. 

Why?

I don't know

maybe it's because we're scared, 

maybe it's because this bit is the only truest form of ourselves left in this life. 

We cling onto this "bit of crazy" because we know that once it's gone, so are we. 

                                     - Dua

In the paraphrased words of Wentworth Miller

"This isn't a cry for help because a cry for help is only beneficial to those that believe that there is help to cry for"

[An Unwitnessed Murder]

He teased

Scared to breathe 

Completely ruined her 

He humiliated

Scared to express

Thoughts of regrets

He pulls her down

Afraid of being left behind

Full of fear

Water trinkets down the double almond shapes

That she's come to hate because of him

Down the face of 

To whom they would say beauty

To her, a face of terror 

One that feels no compassion

Creating a body of ocean

For someone who can't swim

Gasps for air

Transparent yells for help

Not a sound was let out

Her flailing arms have portrayed fear

Bystanders sit and stare

They witness 

They don't hear a plea for help

They remain silent

She starts to sink 

Lower and out of sight

She asks,

Why hasn't anyone helped me?

Did they not hear my cries? 

Cries for all she knew were crystal clear

Given up

She has sunken 

Bystanders sit and stare

But still remain silent.     - D.K.

#GoalsFor2015

My only goal in 2015 is to be happy. 

Genuinely, insistently, and consistently happy

December 28, 2014 | 4 A.M.

Ive come to a conclusion that I'm sad

Not at this very moment in particular

This can't be something minor, when you constantly feel worthless.

Like nobody loves you, like nobody ever will

I've accepted the fact that I will never be happy with myself, no matter how much I have succeeded

My closest friends and family don't know me.

They don't know who I am, how I truly think.

Because if they did, they would realize how much I need them

There's a time when life brings upon us an obstacle or two,

But it feels as if every day is an obstacle,

Not in a physical idea sort of speak,

But rather the difference in how I present myself to others, and how I feel when I'm alone.

I'm trying.

Seasonal

Don't you hate it when your favorite fruits aren't in season? It can't just be me. It's fall going on winter and of course there aren't many fruit options to choose from, but here are two that are in season and have taken me thus far through these chilly mornings. 

                                                                 - Dua 

                                                    Pomegranates, yum!

                   

                               Persimmons, not to be mistaken for the tomato!

                   

Excerpt : 2

You know what I'm going to say it because it is obvious everyone else praises this shit mentality.

NO it is not okay for someone to play with another person's emotions, no matter what past that person might've had or what you think that person deserves. You might be thinking of it as a side thing but that person is taking your attention and believing the lies you're telling them. Oh yeah and I literally hate the term "talking to someone" like is it now socially unacceptable for someone to be in a relationship with another person ???? Idk but I'm just saying this weird ass mentality everyone has going on about relationships, I'm not a fan. I need someone who cares for me, and voluntarily makes time to talk to me. Because if you truly liked someone you would never be too busy for them. I don't see the point in raising a persons hopes and then one day just not caring for them. I hate this inhumane shit man, I have feelings, and I want to be liked for me. I want to be someone's one and only. I want to be a person that someone makes time for; not because they have to but because they want to. To all the people who do have that, I respect you, maybe the rest could learn a thing or two from you all.